when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
where are my eyebrows?
Randomize
