I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
A bitchslap is in order.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
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