Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
Randomize
