I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
