i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Randomize
