I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
Randomize
