You are still hot in my book. I wanna dry hump u like a 9th grader then hump for real when the herpes is gone.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
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