Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
