I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
Randomize
