Applied 4 a nanny job usin a Legit Site. Xplain to me how the couple I found offered me a 3some complete with 'sexy pics' of the wife blowin hubby. wtf?
obviously you're part succubus.
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
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