He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
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