not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
