I can text with my tongue
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
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