Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
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