Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
Randomize
