life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
