dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Randomize
