I got fucking wesley sniped last night by that power hoe. How'd it end up on your end? Did you canoodle the stripper enough for her to agree to go to formal?
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
