you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
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