I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
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