yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
Your penis caused this!
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
Randomize
