so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Randomize
