Oral text is very safe with the right protection.
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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