It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
These 23 People Walked In On Someone And Saw Some Crazy Sh*t
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
Confessions From 23 People Who Have Been Hiding Terrible Secrets
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.