Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
He had some BAD nuttage
Nuttage?
It's like cleavage......... but different
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
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