So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma