Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae