she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
Found the puke drawer
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
