i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
