Dub. In the bra. Dub in the bra.
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
how does that bad decision feel?
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
Randomize
