I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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