doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
