In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
You ate ashes out of my bong
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Randomize
