you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
I'm getting married
To pizza
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
Randomize
