She's JV to your varsity
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
