shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
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