So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
And for your info. Don't pee outside with glow sticks. People will still see you.
Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize
