I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
