youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
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