moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize
