Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
