Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
Randomize
