if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
Randomize
