you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Randomize
