FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
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