I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
