I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
4 of us. Guys and girls. Were sitting there discussing the passed out half naked Brit girl on the floor. She is no longer the international woman of mystery.
Randomize
