upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
As a fat white girl from Texas I can honestly say that she gave fat white girls from Texas a bad name.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
Best orgasm I ever had! I though we totally connected and I asked him to stay over. He went back to the sigma chi house and returned with his blankie and a 40. please help
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
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