my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Randomize
