I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
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