The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
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Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No, dude...I agree it's great in theory but I promise you that 80 drunk 21 year old sorority girls together in one room for formal is one of the worst drama filled ideas ever. Ever.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
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