I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Randomize
