I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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