Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
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She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
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Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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