I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
He had one of those small greek statue penises
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Randomize
