I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Randomize
